I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize