I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize