There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize