The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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