I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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