Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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