I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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