If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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