I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
