so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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