Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You took a bar mat shot.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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