When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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