Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
