I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
