is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
