Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
