he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pooping to opera.
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