sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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