You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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