If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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