whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
