I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm like, not good at living.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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