Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
