Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
