dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
