i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
