he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need a beard to bite.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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