she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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