Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
