i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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