half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
