saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
