someone threw a dead crab at me
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Congratulations! We have a period
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
