this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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