I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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