Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
