I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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