Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
