Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
