When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
