we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
