Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
pray to the hookup gods
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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