I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize