Pappa wants mamma naked
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just found puke in my bra..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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