Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
