I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
