I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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