So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
