Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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