did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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