The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize