if you like me you must not know who I am
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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