I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
