You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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