"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
