between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
