i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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