MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
