Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
